Summer is here, where have I been?

The last time I wrote I made a promise that I would be blogging more often. That was back in February. Well a lot has happened since then. It’s been a struggle to say the least. But a near death experience really opens a persons eyes. Am I happy where my life is at? We’re the people you thought be there for you? What about your career and immediate family? Even though I don’t have all the answers I have a whole new prospective. It all started on the day of February 15th. I was shooting at a bridal party when I ended up with a nagging pain in my side. This has happened once before…. kidney stones. So I left the party at once and drove myself to the ER as it was a Saturday. After just two short hours I was back home waiting for the stone to move. After the pain got intense I got a call to go back as one of the stones blocking my ureter was 8mm. Then 3 more following that just 2 and 3 mm. But I needed surgery as they are too large to pass on my own. After going back and getting admitted I had to wait 6 hours as I kept getting bumped for surgery. Finally the time to get them removed was here. Next thing I knew I woke up in recovery and they were not able to get any of the stone as they tore a hole in my ureter and the head of my left kidney and had to back out. They put me on the surgical floor and told me I could go home in the morning and come back in two weeks to have the surgery but they had placed an internal stent from my kidney through the ureter and out my bladder. I didn’t feel right… something was off? Was it the anesthesia? Next time I wake up there are a room full of doctors, nurses, respiratory, X-ray.. what was going on?? They told me I had quit breathing and my heart stopped. My lungs were full of fluid and I had to be defibrillated. I ended up in the ICU and medical progressive for two weeks. Still trying to find out what happened. It was lonely as only one person could visit because of covid protocols. That was my mom as she was the only in town and in communication with me. The person I thought would be there the most wasn’t. Not a call. Not a text. Heartbreaking to say the least. After several nights of magnesium, potassium, lasix, MRI, CT and oxygen they still had no answers. Finally on the 15th day after surgery I got to go home. But needed to come back in a week to have my stent out and the kidney stones removed. Also being on restrictions as my heart was beating at a very high rate of 170-200 bpm and my oxygen was still not great with lungs still filled with fluid. At home things just spiraled. Assumptions, fogged my everyday life. Finally surgery day was here. My mom came with me as she was truly the only one I had that took the time and care to be there. My boys had school and of course the covid restrictions still in place. I was so nervous having PTSD of what happen prior. I was assured by the doctor, anesthesia, nurses that they will make sure it doesn’t happen again. I woke up this time instead of post op I was in critical care on a vent because again they couldn’t get me to breath on my own after surgery. It had been 4 hours since my surgery ended and I should wake up within 30 min. So now as I wake up finally they can take out my intubation but my oxygen and heart rate again were not well. So I ended up staying in the hospital. I asked for my mom and they normally don’t let anyone come into this part of the hospital, but they let her back as I cried and wondered why this happened again. Again no text or calls from the one I thought loved me. I was sent home on restrictions back into a house that I felt not a part of. I then had to make the decision to move. Talk about stress. I was uncertain of my health my future, needed to move, lose what I wanted so badly, come to accept I needed help at home with all the restrictions I was on and try not to put that weight on my kids shoulders. I moved, my mom is there to help me every step of the way, my kids did everything possible to help and I had to be off work until my restrictions were done. That brings me to June. Now back to work. My oldest had prom and graduated. My youngest now going to be a freshman. I took my life back. And even got to take photos to capture life’s moments and memories. My lungs are still not 100%, dealing with weight gain due to the extra fluid, and waiting to hear what cardiology is going to do regarding my extremely high heart rate. But at the end I am still alive. I found out my true family which still saddens me on how very few are there and who my friend are. I will not let that divide me but give me strength to conquer life. I made promises to my dad and my grandparents along with god to give me another chance at life and I will not make the same mistakes again. This was not a failure it was a lesson in life. And I will tell you to sit back take one day at a time and don’t worry about others. If they are truly there for you in the end those are the only people that matter. Success is what you make of it. Love takes more than one person to make it work. And life is about you, not anyone else. Love you and let life work out it’s mysteries on your own path. God will not let you fall if you believe and are willing to work for it. My angels were there for me that night and I will forever be thankful.